A List: How to be a Terrible Boss

1.  Do not listen to your employees

Any time an employee comes to you with a concern, be sure to make light of it.  Make certain that as a result of your discussion, absolutely nothing changes.  Bonus:  if an employee brings up a very justifiable concern, shrug your shoulders and ask “what do you want me to do about it?”

2.  Be gone all the time (best if those below you have very strict absence policies)

This is most effective if employees need you to sign documents or approve projects before they can go ahead with anything.  Bonus:  do not tell anyone when you plan to be absent.  Better yet, show up for the day but later leave without letting anyone know. 

3.  Do not follow your own rules

Make sure your rules are good and strict.  Implement a policy such as no jeans, even on casual Friday.  Then frequently come to work wearing jeans any day of the week.  Bonus:  Forbid employees to handle any of their personal business at work, rather assign them to take care of your personal business.

4.  This should be your stance:  the employees on the lowest rung and their jobs are unimportant

Be sure to show no respect for those who make the least money and do the crappiest jobs.  Bonus:  make comments along the lines of “their jobs are the least difficult” or “they don’t have enough to do to keep them busy.”

5.  Use foul language and invade employees’ personal space

Blow up at even the most minor of problems.  Be sure your face is read and saliva is flying out of your mouth.  Bonus:  Direct your rage at the nearest person, whether or not they had anything do with it.

6.  Make sure to treat female employees much worse than male employees.

Let male employees get away with things you would never let a female employee get away with.  Invent reasons to confront female employees.  Do not praise or promote females.  Bonus:  Throw in yucky sexual innuendos whenever possible.

I have had a lot of bosses.  Only one good one, though.  He treated everyone beneath him with respect, no matter their station.  Also, he was very dedicated to his position and worked really hard at it.  He was very smart but kind.  That was a job I during the summer as a college student.  I thought that was how all bosses would be.  I had no idea how rare it really was.

The rest have always had at least 3 of the 6 qualities on my list.  One had all six.  Oh, that was miserable!

The Find-the-Party Party

I wish I had more victories to write about on this blog!  I already wrote a post about a terrible performance at a dodge ball tournament.  I have another loss to report.

Saturday night I participated in the Find-the-Party Party.  The 25^th annual Find-the-Party Party, actually.  This is a Mayberry thing, people.  When you have no movie theater, only a handful of restaurants, and only one bar, you are forced to get creative with your recreational activities. 

This is how it works:

• Decide on a theme
• Write up clues pertaining to landmarks in and around Mayberry
• Invite pretty much everybody under 55 in town
• Have them pair off (usually couples, sometimes friends)
• Split up the pairs into teams of 5 or 6
• Start them off on a scavenger hunt that will lead to the party – complete with food, drinks and a DJ.
• The last team to make it to the party loses.  This team and their partners must plan the party next year.

As you’ve probably guessed, I was on the losing team.  Sigh.

It was a good time, though!  This year’s theme was 80’s horror flicks.   Participants are encouraged to wear costumes.  I was impressed.  We had Mike Myers, Jason, Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, Hellraiser, and Chucky.  Plus, many others just wore scary costumes.   And, of course, some chicks used it as an excuse to wear something skanky.

My friend and I (my husband sat this one out) had to throw something together at the last minute.   Poor planning!  We decided to be non-descript murder victims.  Maybe it was Jason who killed us, maybe it was Leatherface, who knows?  So we bought some cheap t-shirts, splattered them with fake blood, and rocked side ponytails with colorful scrunchies.  Not bad.

When my team finally got to the party, I was a bit grumpy.  I had been made to drive, because I was the only one on my team who had arrived sober.  By the time we got there, I was aching for a drink!  So not fair that me, a mother, had to be the designated driver.  I get so few chances to get out. 

We made it to the party at about 10:00.   I immediately grabbed a cold one.  As a conciliation prize, we were all given koozies.  It only blunted the sting a little.

So now I have a party to plan.  Here’s to making the 26^th annual Find-the-Party Party the best ever!

Afraid of the Dark

I had a nightmare last night. I was back in my childhood home, and my younger sister was being harassed by an evil spirit in the night. She would wake up screaming with scratches on her face. She told us the spirit was named “Bickman.” She would scrawl the name on the margins of her notebook just like a schoolgirl would her crush. My parents and I wouldn’t believe her, though. We thought she was doing it to herself.

I woke up in a sweat with a racing heartbeat. Yikes! I was sure “Bickman” was lurking in the dark, about to terrorize me just like he had my little sister. I was even feeling guilty for not believing her. I had a terrible time falling back asleep.

I don’t believe in ghosts or any other ghoulies. I’ve certainly never had a ghostly encounter. But I do love shows like “Ghost Stories” and “Ghost Adventures” on The Travel Channel. They’ve been playing those shows a lot lately with Halloween approaching, so I imagine that’s where my nightmare came from.

I can’t understand my fascination with these programs. During the daylight hours I think they’re overly dramatic and sometimes just silly – but still somehow irresistible. In the darkness of the night, though, they seem a bit more formidable.

What is it about these shows that draw me in? The guys on “Ghost Adventures” actually make me chuckle. They enter a building with their chests puffed up, all macho to the extreme. They talk trash to the ghosts, trying to provoke them. Then, the smallest creak can send them running, screaming like schoolgirls. Oh, they are funny.

Then, on “Ghost Stories,” the narrator’s voice has me rolling my eyes. He’s got a low, creepy, gravelly voice, and he really milks it. It’d almost be scarier if they just had some charming voice like Morgan Freeman’s telling the story. The narrator is just so over the top it’s almost ridiculous.

Somehow, though, I just can’t help but love them. I get sucked in. They can be so laughable, but still I avoid watching them after dark.

But, even with that precaution, I end up scared silly at 1:30 a.m. from dreams of evil spirits!

As a Christian, I feel guilty admitting a part of me almost hopes there is some truth to these programs. That would confirm that there really is life after death. I’m supposed to need only my faith, but a little proof would be fine. Even if some unfortunate souls are stuck at their haunt, that still sounds better than oblivion, than nothing.

Bravo, Travel Channel. I guess you got me. As much as I hate losing sleep, I can’t help myself.

A List: What I Never Expected of Motherhood

1. A Happy Labor
I was absolutely terrified to give birth. Near the end, people I’d run into on the street would see my big belly, grimace a bit at how uncomfortable I looked, and ask when I was due. I’d tell them, and they’d say something like “I bet you can’t wait!” I always just smiled, but really I was not at all ready! I was actually hoping to be weeks overdue.
I had been bombarded with horrendous stories of miserable labor that lasted days and resulted in hours and hours of pushing. I was just sure my experience would be equally as awful.
But it wasn’t. We arrived at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. My son was born at 11:40 a.m. I only pushed for half an hour. It was a very positive experience; I even look back on it fondly!
Please, if you see a pregnant woman, abstain from sharing any horrific birth stories with her. She truly will not benefit from hearing it.
2. The Depths of Sleep Deprivation
It is really hard for human beings to get no more than three or four hours of sleep at a time. Especially when this goes on for months! My son has slept all through the night for five months now, but I still don’t feel entirely caught up.
That time was so hard. I remember having frequent breakdowns. I remember thinking my son was lucky he was so cute; if not I might have given him away. I remember thinking, “Thank God the baby is finally asleep. Ugh, I really need a shower. But I just want to go to bed!” So, I’d just do a quick ‘baby wipe shower’ and call it good. Yikes.
3. Sex: Still Good!
During my pregnancy, couples with children happily informed us our sex life was going to tank. That was certainly true for the first few months, but I am happy to report that now we are back to our pre-pregnancy activity. Actually, I think it’s even better now.
I had a hard time at first. But then, I was shocked to see the same desire in my husband’s eyes, strong as ever! Then I realized, God, this man really loves me. Not just the slender, perky-breasted woman I used to be, but me. That knowledge has made a huge difference in our sex life.
4. The Power of Love
There have been times when baby boy, being clingy and fragile as a result of sickness, has wanted to be constantly held. These are tough days when very little gets done and his nap is so appreciated!
But at these times, I have been forced to do things I would never have imagined. Baby boy has actually sat on my lap as I have sat on the toilet. To put him down would mean tears. I feel like this information would mortify him as he gets older. I do not think I will ever tell him this.
5. Priorities
My social life has suffered severely from parenthood! It’s not that I have trouble finding a babysitter. My entire family, as well as most of my husband’s family live right here in Mayberry. It’s easy to find someone to watch Baby Boy (even overnight).
It’s just, since I’ve started working full time, I feel like I have to be away from him too much as it is. It’s not that we never go out. We do, very rarely. But not nearly as much as we did pre-baby, or even before I went back to work.
I decline invitations. I know some day our friends will give up and not bother to invite us at all. I hate missing these events, but when I do go, I feel immense guilt. I just can’t win!

It’s been an incredibly life-changing experience. My husband and I had decided before the blessed event that our baby would just have to adapt to our way of life. Turns out babies don’t adapt so well, they actually just turn everything completely upside down. Amazingly, though, no regrets!

The Jealous Mama

My poor husband.

I was grumpy last night. After a couple hours of sighs and sad looks (I think I must do sad very well) he asked what was wrong. I tried to tell him it was nothing; I shrugged him off for a good hour.

I have no idea why he opens himself up like this. Why in the world doesn’t he just pretend to not notice, and go about his business? Really, he kind of brings this on himself.

I had a plan to recover from this black mood. I was just going to have a good hard cry in the bathtub. I thought that should do it. But, the man is persistent.

So, I told him. Even though historically this has not been the case, he probably thought my problem could easily be discussed and solved in five minutes. No, no. It took at least forty-five. But to his credit, I felt much better after talking it out with him.

I harbor secret, rotten jealousy towards many of my fellow mom friends. One is a stay-at-home mom. Two work only part time. Two are teachers with three months off for summer, holiday breaks, and spring break.

It’s not fair!

I started my job just a couple of months ago, so it will be quite awhile before I have some vacation time saved up. This is the kicker, though: no leave is allowed during Christmas time. None from Dec. 15 and Jan. 15. Every third year I can have the day after Thanksgiving off – we have to rotate.

This is really hard on me because I am all about holidays! Christmas and New Year’s both fall on Saturdays, so I will not have any days off from work during my very favorite time of year.

My son’s second ever Christmas…I have these fantasies of wearing a holiday-themed apron and pulling freshly baked cookies out of the oven amongst the splendor of holiday décor throughout my warm, inviting home. Not so. I must be behind a desk on Christmas Eve.

All of this I poured out to my husband. He offered, like he has before, to take on a second job so that I can spend more time with our boy. Lord Almighty, does that make me feel like a selfish brat!

No, darling, that is not a solution.

This is my fault, because I have job ADD (see my ‘about’ page). If I had not made such bad career choices, I would be well established with all kinds of vacation time built up. I would be working in a place with a bit more flexibility as opposed to a bank.

I have made my bed, and now I must sleep in it.

My husband is so sweet. For some reason, he loves me so much he just can’t see my faults. And because of that, and because of our little boy, I am way too blessed to keep whining about the down sides of my job. My family needs the income it provides, so it is well worth it.

But I’m weak. I don’t think I’ll be able to help but let loose an occasional sigh.

Will My Son be an Only Child?

As a child, I loved playing with my dollies.  I couldn’t wait to grow up and be a mama.  I wanted to have lots of babies and just knew I’d be a wonderful mom.

Of course, in my childhood fantasy, my husband and I were independently wealthy with a housekeeper and a personal chef.  And our babies were perfect.

Well, that’s not quite how things have turned out!  I do have a fantastic husband, but this is all a lot harder than I thought.  My husband doesn’t want any more kids. 

My son has a great little personality.  He constantly cracks us up.  Frequently, he is unbearably cute.  He gives out kisses and when he consents to being hugged and snuggled, I melt.

But, he demolishes my neatly organized drawers and shelves.  He makes messes, he breaks things.  Everything must go in his mouth.  Sometimes I feel like all I do is follow him around, taking things from him and constantly saying, ‘no, no!’

That’s what we deal with when he’s in a good mood.  If he’s tired or hungry, sick or teething, then he’s unbearably fussy, and we’re pouring all our energy into making it better.

So, sometimes I get cranky and snap at my husband.  I snap at him for being too hard on our boy and for loafing around when there are things to be done.  Then, of course, I feel terrible for being so awful to him.

No wonder he doesn’t want any more kids!  Our baby has turned his sweet, happy-go-lucky wife into a sleep deprived bitch.

I’m not the ever-patient, calm, cool, and collected mom I had planned to be.  And now my son might never have a brother or sister to play with, no built-in friend for life.  It’s my fault! 

I love my son so much it aches, but do I even have any business thinking I can parent a second child?  But, for God sakes, what if baby boy refuses to give me grandchildren?  I need a backup!

Has anyone else ever gone through this struggle?  Tell me, how in the world do any parents ever manage having more than one child, let alone several?  How can I convince my husband I won’t tear him apart nor will I have a nervous breakdown if we have another baby?  Because truly I’m not sure I can make that guarantee!

My Work Dilema

I have a problem.  I don’t have enough to do at work. 

I work at a bank.  I have only been here for two months. 

My husband has the same problem at his job.  His situation is different, though.  He has his own office, so if he runs out of work he can read a book or waste time online.  He told me last night he needs a portable DVD player for just those occasions

I work in a cubicle, though.  I feel like I would be scolded for whipping out a portable DVD player.  The greatest challenge is to appear on task when I have no tasks.  I’m terrible at dragging out tasks, too.  I’ve noticed my boss can spin his wheels all day on even the most trivial of assignments!  I just do not have that ability.

I know if I speak up, I will be given tasks to do by the Operations Officer.  She already gives me as much of her work as she can get away with.  Her work is painfully dull.  She prints off reports and transfers data from the reports into spreadsheets.  Uugghh. 

My interest lies in the lending department.  I’m really hoping to be given some loan responsibilities.  I have expressed this to the powers that be.  Unfortunately, the lending department is short staffed right now.  They are all crazy busy, so no one has any time to train me.  Maybe once a new Loan Officer is hired that will change.

But until then, what do I do? 

Why couldn’t full time employment be different?  Why can’t we just go home when our work is done?  Wouldn’t that be nice!

Well, I don’t see that happening.  Back to my dilemma, does anyone else have this problem?  Can you offer up any ideas or insight (other than typing up blog posts)? 

What should I do?